My Brother

In my family, my immediate family…the one I grew up with, there are two brothers and a sister. And my mother.

My mom who raised us all without much help at all from either father. It was just the 5 of us - my dad's extended family fell away when my parents divorced when I was 7 and my mom's extended family fell away when her parents died.

We grew up close and we grew up well. Each one of us is a strong individual and each one of us would lay down and die if it would help one of the others. Luckily, it hasn't come to that.

Last spring, my youngest brother needed a place to live. So he came to me. Not too long after that, my other younger brother found himself in the same situation. Come along, I said. Maybe you can help get the youngest one in order.

My mom already lived with me. She moved in when I left The Idiot to help me through the divorce. That living arrangement is a whole different story.

Anyhoo - it's been a crazy ride, this last 9 or so months.

My youngest brother headed out late last summer. What I'm driven to write about, today, is my other brother.

I believe he's getting ready to leave. He's always been a wanderer. It's part of who he is. And as much as he'll take a corner of my heart with him (as he always does), I know he has to go.

It's been hard.

Don't get me wrong - it's been good, too. My house is just too small for all of us and the financial strain cannot be denied (nor truly endured for much longer).

He has a rather, um, large presence. He's funny and he's loud. Bellie adores him. She says he's the biggest man in the world.

One of the things he did here was to wean himself off heroin. He came here on a methadone program and over the summer dropped the dose rapidly til he was completely rid of it.

Do you like how I just drop that tidbit of information in here?

Anyway…he's been on drugs in one form or another for the last 15 years or so. I don't want to give the homeless, dirty image…if you didn't know him, you might not have guessed he was an addict. Heroin was the one that scared me the most though.

So as much as the weaning process was a terrible thing to see…the shakes, the groaning…the sweats and flails…not to mention the absolute deluge of emotions to him…I’m glad he did it and I’m glad I could offer him a safe place.

And since then, he's faced the world as many of us have. Getting and keeping a job that he hates because he needs money. Living day to day just to get by sometimes. Having heartbreak actually hurt. Looking back at all the years…

Do I get mad at him when he leaves his dirty dishes in the sink? Yep.

Do I get crabby when he makes too much noise when I'm trying to sleep? Yep.

Did I scream at him for tracking mud into my recently scrubbed kitchen floor? (shamefacedly) Yup.

Do I get tired of the crazy family dynamics? Oh my God - so tired.

Do I sometimes wish I just lived alone? Most definitely.

I wish for him more in his life than he's ever had and I hope he walks a path that is blessed by whatever guardian angel needs to bless it.

I write this today in an effort to prepare myself for his leaving.

While the space he will leave is welcome and necessary - I will be tinged with sadness as I watch him go.

Lynilu got me!

Tagged by Lynilu...

Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog.
Share 5 random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog.
Share the 5 top places on your "want to see or want to see again" list.

Tag a minimum of 5, maximum of 10 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.

Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

So here goes:

(I'm cheating - I can't think of 5 random/weird facts about me that I haven't already shared so I'm going to share 5 random/weird facts about Bellie.)

1. I believe Bellie is a sugar junkie. Seriously. I know all kids like sugar but she's got a sugar problem.

2. She spends so much time around adults that she has almost perfect comedic timing. Some of the things she says wouldn't be funny if an adult said them...but coming out of her mouth with her cute little voice...HILARITY!!! Strangers laugh...this isn't just me saying it.

3. She has a spectacular vocabulary...I just tucked her in and did the "don't call me unless you're scared, sick, or have to go to the bathroom" schpeal. (Otherwise, it's "Mama...Hey Mama!"every 2 minutes.)

To which she responded, "Or if I have a wound." Right. If you get wounded...call me.

4. She likes Kid Rock music. But I like to think she doesn't hear the words. (This was an accidental discovery...and the CD didn't stay on long.)

5. She thinks it's totally acceptable to tell me "I've had enough of your attitude". I'm working on that. (Not the attitude - her perception that she can say that to me.)

Now - 5 places I'd like to go...for the first time or again...

1. Ireland
2. South of France
3. Australia
4. Hawaii
5. The Alamo (totally kidding...)
5. For real....hmmm...maybe New Zealand...?

As to tagging 5 bloggers...I'm so remiss in my blogging, I hate to do that. Let's say - if you read it and you like it - take it.