Tough Love Sucks

Remember that my 18-year-old brother was staying with me?

Well, he left.

He's been living with me on and off for about the last 18 months. Each time, the plan was for him to get on his feet and leave the nest.

Each time, he left too early. So, each time, he came back.

This last time, I told him he couldn't come back once he left. We talked a lot about what he needed to do to have the best chance in the big, bad world. He seemed to be heading in the right direction.

Til Tuesday night.

That's when he told us that he was leaving on Wednesday.

Which, of course, brought on lots of discussion about how he wasn't ready. He didn't have any money saved....hadn't really made a plan. He told me he just really needed a change.

Don't we all, brother....don't we all. I suggested he go to work at his job. That would be a change.

No amount of older sibling wisdom would discourage him. My oldest brother and I spoke to him for over an hour....knowing the whole time he wouldn't hear us but hoping he might be the first 18-year-old in history to benefit from someone else's experience.

No such luck. He left a little before midnight on Wednesday. His friend had driven from Michigan to get him and they were planning to drive straight through back to Michigan.

He took a box of Captain Crunch and a box of Sugar Pops. That's all I had that was 'packable'. I hadn't had a chance to go to the store. I would have made him a care-package. I didn't have any cash on me, so I couldn't even give him a $20 bill. He was on the road with two boxes of sugar-cereal and no money.

They made it to the far side of Chicago. That's when I got this call:

"Jenn....um.....we ran out of gas."

"What!? Are you kidding me!?"

"No. We made it to a gas station but she doesn't have any more money. She spent it all already."

silence.....silence.....struggle.....natural consequences.....let him take his lumps......at least make him think he's taking his lumps.....more struggle.....

"Jenn....are you still there?"

"Uh yeah. So what are you going to do?"

"I was hoping you could wire me forty bucks......?"

more silence.....

"I can't. I just can't do it."

"I understand. Thanks for all the help when I lived with you, Jenn. I love you."

"I love you, too. Please call me when you figure something out."

The girl's father wired them the gas money and they made it to Michigan.

Send a prayer, wish, whatever you send....for my brother, please.

A little perspective please!?

Ok...here's the deal...

Bellie's in summer camp for 1/2 day each day.

Sometimes, they go swimming.

The teachers don't help the children dress or undress.

All of this is fine.

Bellie can dress herself.

HOWever...the kids change in the hallway as you walk into the classroom. Out in the open...

So when my mom went to pick her up today, Bellie was sitting on the edge of her cubby...naked...getting dressed.

As all the parents went in the room...lots of fathers.

Now - I don't want her to be ashamed of her body but I've just started teaching her about privacy and I don't want her to develop a level of comfort being naked in front of strangers...especially adults.

Is it strange that this is how they do things? I've obviously never had Bellie in a school situation before. I don't want to overreact but I don't feel very good about this.

What do you think?

Drama in da house!

Alright...my 18-year-old brother is staying with me.

Any of you guys out there remember being 18? Or women remember the boys?

Yeah. Every day's an adventure.

This latest episode involved a 16-year-old boy who told us he was 18. We met him 5 days ago and recognized within two days that he was...um...how shall I say? A lost soul? Yes.

On Saturday, my oldest brother and I were sitting out in the back yard when this new boy came walking out of our garage.

My brother and I looked at each other, thinking....odd...how did he get in our garage?

So my brother sat down with him and had a talk. Told him he couldn't just come over like that and made it very clear that he wasn't allowed to drink while he was at our house.

He likes to drink.

Anyway, last night around 10:30 someone banged on my door. I opened it to find two strangers.

"We're looking for our son."

"Ahhhh...and who would that be?"

"{Name of son}"

"He's not here."

"Can you check?"

"Sure." I did. He wasn't here.

I asked them if there was anything I could do to help and they said no and left.

They came again this morning. My brother talked with them and told them their son wasn't welcome here anymore. He also told them that he had talked directly to their son and explained the rules of the house.

Then, this evening, the father came again. I answered the door.

He began to talk about how his son hadn't really misbehaved until he'd gotten involved with my brother. 5 days ago.

I explained that, while I had no idea whether that was true or not, I would guess by what I'd seen that his behavior hadn't started in the last week. I did mention that, perhaps, rather than harassing my family he may find more success if he were to focus on his own. I also reminded him that we'd told his son he couldn't come over unless he was sober and that he couldn't drink over here. I explained that my house is my family's home and I keep it safe.

The guy got pretty aggressive...even took a step towards me. He was all sneery and acting like I run a house of debauchery. I stood my ground for a minute. Then I called my oldest brother out.

All 6-foot, 4-inches of him.

"All I'm sayin' is that your son isn't welcome here ever again...anywhere on the property...ever. We don't want to see him here."

I had to pipe in..."Or you!"

You shoulda seen that guy back down. If I hadn't been so pissed...I probably would have laughed out loud.

I bet he won't be back again.

Now she's REALLY back

Today Bellie seems 'normal'.

She's been sort of leaking emotional toxins this whole week. Sometimes it's made me laugh...when it comes out all sassy and bossy. Other times it's just made me want to hit him with a shovel.

But she's strong and only getting stronger. It's her path. I can only hold her hand and guide her for now.

From what I can gather, he worked quite a bit to cement the idea that he and I were together at one point and that it's very sad that we aren't any more. That and totally confusing her about her name. He's retarded.

Here are a few bits of conversation that made me chuckle...inwardly mostly...sometimes I couldn't contain myself.

"Mama, I want to sleep on my floor tonight."

"No. We've tried that before and you don't go to sleep."

"Daddy lets me. I can do what I want at his house."

"Lucky you. Hop into bed."

"Awwww PICKLE!" (I think that means awwwww SHIT!)

******

"Bellie, you need to pick up your toys before the pizza comes."

"No."

"Yes. If they aren't cleaned up by the time the pizza comes, I'm taking them away til tomorrow."

"NO! I DO WHAT I WANT TO DO!!!"

"Well as long as you don't mind not having your toys we can see how that works out for you."

"AWWWW PICKLE!"

*********

"Look Mama. I'm eating meat."

"Yes...you are. It's a turkey sandwich."

"But it's meat. I call it meat."

"Alright. Whatever you want to call it."

"Do you see my meat?"

"Bellie, are you trying to bother me because you know I don't eat much meat?"

"Yes."

"Oh. (snort of laughter) Well it's not working."

She thought for a moment.

"How do you like my turkey sandwich?"

Random Update

All the sudden, my life went crazy.

I've been trying to keep up with y'all and not having much luck. But I'm trying.

There's Bellie....doing a little emotional triage with her when I'm not working. I was surprised at how well she was doing when she got home but there's some fallout. It'll heal. It hurts though.

Then there's work. Oh my God. We've been ramping up all year for some projects we knew would just about bury us....just about. But we were prepared. Until last week when my senior trainer had to leave unexpectedly. So we're scrambling. It'll pass.

Then, sigh, there's Mr....um.....I can't think of a nickname for him right now. But he gets most of the rest of my time. Of which there is sadly little. (Notice I said 'gets' and not 'takes'....makes all the difference.)

Let's not forget the home life....two brothers, my mother, and my girl. Yeah...it's a full house. I never knew grocery bills could come close to $1000/month.

But, y'know...I'm damn happy these days.

Yep.

She's back!!

I made it!! A whole week!

She's a little bit taunty. I mean...she's totally pressing the limits. But whatever.

She's back.

Yummy

Dinner was tasty....both eating it and watching him make it.

He cleans as he goes. How sexy is that?

He did the dishes after dinner. I offered to help but he didn't let me.

I had such a good time. We stayed up way too late.

And no, for the record, I did not.

Bellie Brakes worked.

Emotional Roller Coaster

Bellie called this morning while I was getting ready for work.

That means she's homesick. But we talked about how fun her visit was and stuff. So she cheered up quite a bit.

But then I cried a little bit when we got off the phone. Which made my make-up run. So I had to start over. I was late for work.

And on the up-side.....

Tonight's the date....it actually turned out to be #4 instead of #3. We're doing dinner at his place and then going out on the town.

I'm not a teenager...I have some self-control. And my Bellie brakes.

He sent flowers yesterday. Awwwww. Sweeter than sugar, this one.

I miss Bellie.

Date 3

Heh heh.

He gave me two options for our third date.

1. A fancy, dress-up date.

or

2. He'll cook dinner for me at his place.

What's a gal to do? Life can be so tricky.

And so damn fun.

Sigh....

....twitterpated.

That's me. He's so cool.

Much as I want to give a juicy, detailed account...I really like him so I can't. If that makes any sense....

But I had a wonderful time....it was really relaxed and comfortable. Even though I was a bundle of nerves right before he picked me up...it was easy to talk to him and he's just really down-to-earth. Easy to be around.

So - even though it's not a wild and crazy update....at least you know it was good.

Oh...and there is gonna be a second date.

Cute Boy Alert

Yeah...he's cute. This guy who's taking me out on Sunday.

And he's sweet. And laid back. And cool.

And he has a really....I mean, REALLY sexy voice.

And he passed the girlfriend test. Y'know...when my friend approves?

Yay me!

I'm really trying...

...to be tough.

Bellie has a week with The Idiot starting on Sunday. I'm not ready. Because she's not ready.

I've cancelled three activities during that week as he is most uncooperative about continuing her life during 'his time'. Legally, I didn't have to adjust anything because he missed his court-ordered deadline for requesting vacation.

But I was trying to be accommodating.

The one activity I haven't actually canceled is a standing play-date she's had with her friend since they were both 15 months. Every Wednesday....with the exception of a break while her friend's family was in England. But we even went to England. (Not necessarily for the play-date...but that was part of the reason for the trip.)

I haven't canceled it because Bellie is insistent that she have it. She knows on Wednesdays she gets to see her friend.

I asked him if he'd be willing to let her go.

"If we can fit it in," he responded.

He doesn't have plans. I asked.

Bastard.

Choices

Two guys.

Both asking me out.

We're at the point of scheduling the date.

So I tell them each to give me a call. (Separate conversations....I'm not at some freak convention.)

I believe my exact words were: Go ahead and give me a call and we can figure out the details.

Seems normal...right?

One of them...oh my god...calls me and schedules a date.

The other one...responds that he's "taken aback by my tone".

What the fuck?

Pardon me. I'm not usually so crude.

But for cryin' out loud. I just asked him to give me a call.

He takes it as some challenge to his...what? Maleness? Authority? Power over women?

Have I somehow slipped into some alternate universe and I'm trying to schedule a date with The Idiot?

Which one will I pick? However will I choose?

Oh...and I'm Spidey.

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You are intelligent, witty, a bit geeky and have great power and responsibility.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I?" quiz...

Shite.

Today is full of it.

I got up and took the dog out. She did her business. So I brought her back inside.

Then I decided to switch the litter out of the cat's box.

I brought the bucket of clean litter upstairs and it was sitting next to the litter box...which I was emptying.

The cat took that golden opportunity to shit in the bucket of clean litter.

ARGH.

But whatever. Right?

I finish the litter box and on my way outside to throw the litter in the garbage - I notice the dog has left a treat.

Apparently, she has the runs. So I stop to clean that up.

Bellie comes in the room and says "Mama, I had an accident in my pants."

WHA?!??!? She's been potty trained for a year and a half. She has the occasional wee accident...but she doesn't poop her pants.

Til today.

Shit.

Literally.

Everywhere I look.

Must be Monday.

The flip side of the coin...

...there is always one.

So...I wrote my "want ad" below.

Also important is that I recognize my role in those relationships. I write this for me but also for the women who relate. Because we aren't victims.

Even in the midst of those relationships, I knew I wasn't a victim.

Here's my story.

I grew up as the oldest child of an alcoholic. Don't get me wrong...I sort through psycho-babble and decide what's real and what isn't. But the role I played during my childhood...and as an adult was the caretaker role.

It fell to me to take care of my younger brother and sister when my dad passed out at the dinner table...every night. I believe that's probably where it started. It also was my job to hide the fact that my dad passed out at the dinner table from my mother. (My parents divorced when I was 7....and that's about when it started.)

It is said, and written, that a child who grows up in the caretaker role can walk into a room of 100 people and, without thinking or knowing, pick out the person who is 'broken'.

So many years later....I was really good at 'fixing' things. Especially things I had no business fixing. I couldn't help it....it was like an addiction. No...it was an addiction.

Even when I realized my problem...and would try to avoid it...I was drawn to 'fixer-uppers'. Not necessarily consciously...in fact, rarely would I be aware of it.

Over the years, I took steps to change. The first thing I had to learn was that I couldn't change anyone but myself. And I truly believe and know that.

What I would do....subconsciously....instead of fixing them, would be to adapt to their behavior. A little bit at a time so it was hardly noticeable to me. But I would not try to change them.

I would understand too much cruelty.

I would accept too many slights.

I would justify too many bad behaviors.

One small behavior alteration on my part at a time.

Until, one day, I would 'wake up' and have no idea who I was or why I was in the relationship.

And then would begin the usually painful journey back to me.

So what was really wrong in those relationships was my acceptance. I allowed the damage to be done. Don't get me wrong, I know the men behaved badly. But I'm talking about what I can do...that over which I have control.

Luckily, I managed to find my way back each time. But how many shots at that do we really get?

I've learned a lot from my past relationships. I've learned I am strong. I've learned that I can learn.

I've learned that I can decide not to accept. At any point in the relationship. I don't have to get to the point of complete destruction.

I've learned that I'm valuable. To me.

And to my daughter.

And that which, in the past, I endured...I will absolutely not accept for her.

I want....

...ahem....I want...hmmmm...what do I want?

Yeah. Dating.

It's not the actual date I have problems with. I can get one. I can even enjoy one. I can be witty and entertained.

It's the concept I struggle with...and not because as a girl I dreamed of big weddings and picket fences.

I'm just not a fan. And I'll be honest...it's mainly because I suck at it. I've never mastered the concept of shopping around....test driving....thus the two stupid marriages.

But I'm bored. I'd like some company and some fun that doesn't involve a three-year-old mentality.

I was reading Loving Annie the other day and she wrote a want ad. For what she doesn't want... based on her past experience.

I'm going to do one here...that's based on not only my experience...but on a serious pattern I see. Always in hindsight. (Sadly...this is not just about The Idiot.)

Should be cathartic...and maybe...just maybe...seeing it in writing will knock something loose in my head and I can figure out how to date.

Wanted....

Looking for a charming, apparently outgoing man. Should seriously pursue me initially. Chemistry is a must. Will be persistent enough to convince me that his interest is in me as a person. Yet, should be able to balance that with a distant attitude that will keep me guessing. At first for sure...continued emotional distance a bonus. The alternating of romance and disregard gets me every time. I do so enjoy a challenge.

Once I engage in the relationship, should feel free to lose interest to the point that I begin to doubt myself. Once I become dependent on his approval, then he may show interest again. But not in the person he was interested in at first - at the 'new and improved' me. The me who bends over backwards and turns herself into a pretzel to keep him happy.

Must be able, without much thought, to insult me and make sure I know all things that are wrong in the relationship are my doing. An added bonus would be if he could actually get me to apologize for those things.

Should be able to point out to me all my actual and imagined flaws in an effort to help me grow. Should continually remind me how lucky I am to be graced by his presence and also how many things he gave up to be with me. The ability to take credit for any and all success I may achieve is a plus.

Should be insanely jealous if I talk to another man but should insist that he be allowed to have dinner/lunch with a woman I do not know.

Should see strength and independence in a woman as a threat and something to be broken.

Above all, should have the ability to make me think I'm the crazy one. I'm a real sucker for that.

Alrighty then. Got that out of my system.

I hope.