On not writing
...I got nothin'.
Well - for about 3 weeks, my home computer was so slow on the internet I didn't even check my bank balance. So I finally called the responsible company - sounds like west....
Anyway, the helpful lady on the phone said, "Yes! I can see your connection is slower than dial up!"
It was one of those that unplugging the modem for a minute then plugging it back in solved. Glad I waited 3 weeks.
So anyway - I'm a grumpy gus today. Bellie was with her dad yesterday and came home a complete wreck...as has been the situation for the past few weeks.
The Idiot has decided it's time for her to stop taking naps. She takes 2 hour naps at home. And still sleeps 10-11 hours at night. I figure she'll stop taking naps when she's ready.
Anyway - it took her almost all week to catch up on sleep after spending last weekend with him. Imagine her tiny face with dark circles under her red-rimmed eyes...quite irritating. He didn't give her a nap yesterday either.
So I got "Crazy-Contrary" Bellie back. It's quiet spectacular, actually. Crazy-Contrary Bellie was hungry and the only thing she wanted to eat was an entire brick of cream cheese.
Gross.
I tried offering her a quarter of the brick with the promise of more if she ate that. No luck. We went 'round and 'round til she finally dropped off to sleep a little after her bedtime.
And I felt sorry for myself. Well - that's not really accurate. I felt lonely. It was one of those lonelies that would have been there had I been surrounded by people.
It happens ever so often - it just hits me that I'm it for her. There's nobody else with the connection to her that I have or that will give her what I will. I'm not trying to be all dramatic or anything...and I know there are as many single mothers out there as...well as there are. And some of them are lucky enough to have a father to their child(ren) that is good. And some of them are unlucky enough to have one that is far worse than the one I do.
But sometimes, it just feels lonely. Even with help and even with a hand to hold.
Well - for about 3 weeks, my home computer was so slow on the internet I didn't even check my bank balance. So I finally called the responsible company - sounds like west....
Anyway, the helpful lady on the phone said, "Yes! I can see your connection is slower than dial up!"
It was one of those that unplugging the modem for a minute then plugging it back in solved. Glad I waited 3 weeks.
So anyway - I'm a grumpy gus today. Bellie was with her dad yesterday and came home a complete wreck...as has been the situation for the past few weeks.
The Idiot has decided it's time for her to stop taking naps. She takes 2 hour naps at home. And still sleeps 10-11 hours at night. I figure she'll stop taking naps when she's ready.
Anyway - it took her almost all week to catch up on sleep after spending last weekend with him. Imagine her tiny face with dark circles under her red-rimmed eyes...quite irritating. He didn't give her a nap yesterday either.
So I got "Crazy-Contrary" Bellie back. It's quiet spectacular, actually. Crazy-Contrary Bellie was hungry and the only thing she wanted to eat was an entire brick of cream cheese.
Gross.
I tried offering her a quarter of the brick with the promise of more if she ate that. No luck. We went 'round and 'round til she finally dropped off to sleep a little after her bedtime.
And I felt sorry for myself. Well - that's not really accurate. I felt lonely. It was one of those lonelies that would have been there had I been surrounded by people.
It happens ever so often - it just hits me that I'm it for her. There's nobody else with the connection to her that I have or that will give her what I will. I'm not trying to be all dramatic or anything...and I know there are as many single mothers out there as...well as there are. And some of them are lucky enough to have a father to their child(ren) that is good. And some of them are unlucky enough to have one that is far worse than the one I do.
But sometimes, it just feels lonely. Even with help and even with a hand to hold.
Little bits of me by Jenn 11/23/2007
8 Comments:
Maybe you felt lonely for her, because you know. I feel the same way, honestly, for my kids. My dad and mom are still married and I let myself get eaten up with guilt now and then.
For me, and I am not preaching at you, please understand, I am just being as open as you were...for me, the challenge is to make sure I never let myself act as if they are "missing" anything.
I have had to limit contact with many relatives who act like my two girls are "poor babies" because Daddy lives so far away and doesn't support us and doesn't take one damn part in their lives. My kids aren't missing a damn thing. And that is what I project to them every single day.
Sometimes they feel the same, and on the really bad days, they don't feel the same. But Jenn, you are a WONDERFUL parent. Your little girl is so blessed that you even think of these things, that you look that deep within your own heart and how you feel for her.
It IS hard. She should have had two wonderful parents, but it is his fault that didn't happen. NOT yours!
While us single mothers are feeling that loss, filling that void, and working our asses off to give our children a "whole" family, here's what my friend Eric said about being raised by his single mother. "Thank God my parents weren't together, and thank the judge my life happened with my mother. I don't want to know who I'd be otherwise."
He looked at me, saw tears in my eyes, and said "You are that mother for that little girl right there. Thank God."
Thanks for sharing all that...the story about your friend Eric made me all teary. :-) In a good way.
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
*uh...yeah, what she said...*
Awww i'm sorry you were feeling so lonely. Seriously Jenn you are an awesome Mom. Bellie is so lucky.
grump gus and crazy contrary Bellie....why do the words 'mini-me, mini-me, mini-me....' keep running through my mind?
My kids are now 31, 28 and 24 and I still look at them, at what they've accomplished over their lives, at their children, and I think to myself "Their father is such a putz."
Being a single parent isn't glamorous at all. If I could think of an opposite-like term for glamorous, I'd use it, but you get the idea.
What's important for you to reinforce to yourself is that you are the single-most important influence in that little girl's life and everything you do will be reflected in her.
While they're little, kids always seek the pleasure center but as they get older, they get it. And they know who the real parent is.
The loneliness comes and goes. Sometimes you embrace it, feed it, and let it make your world dark for a little while. But the smart person (and you're one of them) doesn't let Lonely take up residence for too long.
You are the parent -- don't ever lose sight of that. He's the sperm donor who thinks he's a father, but you are the parent. He's not even close to it.
I don't have kids yet, Jenn, but I can tell you that you're a good, solid mom for Bellie. Just keep doing what you're doing and you'll be all she needs. Really.
I'm sorry for the lonliness, though. That's tough. You're really strong and you'll have these moments... and then you'll get past them and on to the next big thing you can teach Bellie about the world.
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