C'mon, time to talk...
....yep.
Last night, I was making pasta for dinner and when I finished stirring the sauce in, Bellie asked if she could lick the spoon.
Of course. I handed it to her.
Moments later, I realized I needed the spoon back so I reached behind me and asked her to hand it to me.
Which she did. And right as I began stirring the pasta again, she said this:
"I let Millie lick the spoon clean. She really liked that!"
Millie would be our poo-eating dog.
But that's not what you're here to read about. I know....I know.
So I don't really have a broken heart. It just took a little ding. Basically, what has happened over the past three years is that my mother (who lives with me) and I have fallen into our bad relationship habits.
It happened over time so I didn't really notice it.
The habits involve her feeling resentful because she's dependent on me and feels like she has no life of her own and me reacting to the passive-aggressive methods she uses to vent those feelings.
She'd probably tell a different story. But this is mine. And if I got into details, none of you would have time to read the post. Suffice it to say, I've been here before. And it doesn't really work very well.
What happened is that NH got really frustrated watching me behave as if I were a different person in my own home. He knew the person that's out in the world and couldn't really reconcile the two.
But rather than discuss those feelings as they were happening, he tried to be a 'bigger man' and get used to it. Which led me to believe he was.
Even though I know I'd never expect anyone to be OK with the situation. I'm not OK with it. I've basically been just existing in it for about the last year. Still calling it temporary - thus giving myself the allowance of waiting to do anything about it. All the while, knowing I'd have to at some point.
Anyway - he blew a gasket. Verbally.
And while I am not alright with his method, I heard the words. And the words were true.
We had a couple shaky days in there where he couldn't believe how he handled it and I wasn't sure about much.
I'm not making anything smaller or larger than it actually is...I've taken a good look at my situation. And some changes need to happen....a relationship realignment, if you will.
A few, if I'm honest. Mine with myself...mine with my mother...and then there's NH. So that's what I'm up to these days. NH and I have backed it up a little and as much as I hate the word...we're dating. Yeah...we were before too, but much of our time spent together was at my house.
It just seemed easier...with Bellie and all that. So we're dating outside my house. Which is what we meant to do before.
Oh...and it wasn't just the mom thing....he has some stuff he's working on personally as well. He didn't pile it all on my plate...he took his share.
So far, things feel good. With me, and with him. But, I suppose, most importantly with me. I'm getting my feet back under me as far as living my life instead of spending all my energy trying to accommodate my mother.
It always amazes me how much little changes I make in myself affect the world around me. Not the large world...but my smaller one.
Anyway - not too exciting...but there's the scoop.
Last night, I was making pasta for dinner and when I finished stirring the sauce in, Bellie asked if she could lick the spoon.
Of course. I handed it to her.
Moments later, I realized I needed the spoon back so I reached behind me and asked her to hand it to me.
Which she did. And right as I began stirring the pasta again, she said this:
"I let Millie lick the spoon clean. She really liked that!"
Millie would be our poo-eating dog.
But that's not what you're here to read about. I know....I know.
So I don't really have a broken heart. It just took a little ding. Basically, what has happened over the past three years is that my mother (who lives with me) and I have fallen into our bad relationship habits.
It happened over time so I didn't really notice it.
The habits involve her feeling resentful because she's dependent on me and feels like she has no life of her own and me reacting to the passive-aggressive methods she uses to vent those feelings.
She'd probably tell a different story. But this is mine. And if I got into details, none of you would have time to read the post. Suffice it to say, I've been here before. And it doesn't really work very well.
What happened is that NH got really frustrated watching me behave as if I were a different person in my own home. He knew the person that's out in the world and couldn't really reconcile the two.
But rather than discuss those feelings as they were happening, he tried to be a 'bigger man' and get used to it. Which led me to believe he was.
Even though I know I'd never expect anyone to be OK with the situation. I'm not OK with it. I've basically been just existing in it for about the last year. Still calling it temporary - thus giving myself the allowance of waiting to do anything about it. All the while, knowing I'd have to at some point.
Anyway - he blew a gasket. Verbally.
And while I am not alright with his method, I heard the words. And the words were true.
We had a couple shaky days in there where he couldn't believe how he handled it and I wasn't sure about much.
I'm not making anything smaller or larger than it actually is...I've taken a good look at my situation. And some changes need to happen....a relationship realignment, if you will.
A few, if I'm honest. Mine with myself...mine with my mother...and then there's NH. So that's what I'm up to these days. NH and I have backed it up a little and as much as I hate the word...we're dating. Yeah...we were before too, but much of our time spent together was at my house.
It just seemed easier...with Bellie and all that. So we're dating outside my house. Which is what we meant to do before.
Oh...and it wasn't just the mom thing....he has some stuff he's working on personally as well. He didn't pile it all on my plate...he took his share.
So far, things feel good. With me, and with him. But, I suppose, most importantly with me. I'm getting my feet back under me as far as living my life instead of spending all my energy trying to accommodate my mother.
It always amazes me how much little changes I make in myself affect the world around me. Not the large world...but my smaller one.
Anyway - not too exciting...but there's the scoop.
Little bits of me by Jenn 10/11/2007
14 Comments:
better
x
I'm so glad you're back. I was about to send you another of my "worried emails"! Sorry you have hit a rough patch in your journey, but I see those as being growth-inducing, usually. And it sounds as if this was/is, too.
Let me just say that it is difficult for everyone involved to live in a multi-generation home.At least it has been in the last century or so since we've gotten away from that as a common way of life. Not to say that you should feel like, "OK, I'm good" about it, but just so you know what you're doing is a challenge. And challenges are there to make us re-think and re-do our habits.
I hope you and your mom are able to talk about it and work out a "middle ground," on which you both can walk without stepping on the other's toes. 'Tain't easy, but far better than the alternative.
Again, I'm really glad to see you back here. :)
(((Jenn)))
It is so easy to fall back into familiar patterns. I wish you the best of luck in getting the relationship you want with your mother and NH.
It sounds like you and NH both have your heads in the right place. Just take baby steps Jen and work on that thing w/ your Mom as well. My BFF has "mom" issues but hers will never be resolved and her Mother will never be satisfied unless she ends up as a bitter old maid *sigh*
Sounds like a tough period, but a lot of growth is happening. Glad you're still able to date! :)
Moms and Mom-In laws can do that. Its called boundary crashing. I think the most helpful thing is to learn form it. My mother in law lived with us 13 years. OMG! I hear you.
Of course you could also learn FROM it. Learning form it would be a bigger challenge...since I don't even know what that means....
Lots of Luck being sent to you on sorting everything out. Sounds like you and NH are handling things very well. Hugs
How level headed to know that things need to be worked on. You always knew it in your heart you just needed to be shown it. I am so glad that things are moving ahead slowly. You will be a better person in the end and just think, Bellie will see that you are never to old to learn something new and do the right things in life.
I'm glad you and NH are working it out... that is a good foundation for a stronger relationship. It's hard to step outside yourself and see the changes you need to make. I'm proud of you for doing that.
Hugs!
Thanks for letting us know, Jenn. I missed you.
I hope everything works out for you.. I'm glad you're okay.
Hugs and I'm glad you are back! Slow and steady wins the race, so take your time in healing. Sometimes those "dings" our hearts get are just what we need to realign.
I can relate to alot of this....My mother was with me for quite a while. It takes a special man to understand this situation..
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