Please tell me...

...I'm not retarded.

Last night I went to Target. Here is what I needed to get:

1. duct tape
2. votive candle holders
3. votive candles
4. underwear
5. lotion
   
6. maybe a new comforter for my girl

I left Target with:

1. Two air-purifiers (the tiny ones that plug in to the wall)
2. An extra box of filters for said purifiers
3. A child-sized pot and pan set
4. A child-sized kitchen utensil set
5. Hair conditioner
6. Cotton balls
7. A six-pack of Diet Dr. Pepper
8. A banana
9. Blueberries
   
10. 2 boxes of Boca burgers
11. 2 bricks of cheese
12. A box of peanut butter cracker snacks
13. A box of all natural fruit bites
14. 2 boxes of organic fruit 'leather'

Never mind. I am retarded.

This is worse than when I walk into the kitchen to get something and stand in the middle of the room trying to remember what I somehow forgot during the walk from the living room to the kitchen.

How does that happen? I'm an intelligent woman. Really - I am.

You might think I went shopping when I was hungry...but all those snacks are for my daughter. I don't eat them. Well, not usually. So that's not it.

The bitch of it all is that now I have to go back to Target. I swear I'm taking a list this time.

Kryptonite - The Final Entry

As the woman thought about the last 10 years - she realized that the first five were all she got with her father.

He did come to her wedding...and he and her mother did give her away...for whatever that's worth now. He only walked her down the aisle because her mother and sister dragged him. But whatever - there are still pictures.

He did come to the hospital when she her daughter was born. Including that visit, he's seen his grandchild 3 times.

He lives about 40 miles away from them. When he had only seen her twice during the first six months of her life, the woman tried to establish some kind of schedule - so her daughter could know her father.

She asked him if he could plan on a few hours on Saturday - once a month. She offered to meet him wherever he wanted. He got angry, as is his reaction when he feels cornered and knows he is wrong. He shouted at her that things couldn't always be the way she wanted and sometimes she had to be flexible.

She cried. Then she got angry. She told him it was his loss and that if he couldn't commit to seeing his granddaughter on a regular basis then she, herself, didn't plan to be any part of his life.

It might sound like the woman was being reactionary. But she wasn't, really. She knew the pain of wanting him in her life and didn't want to subject her daughter to it. She figured that if her father couldn't commit to being a grandfather - then her daughter was better off not knowing him at all.

She begged. She cried some more. He shouted some more.

She hung up the phone. They didn't talk for many months. Then, she got a birthday card in the mail - it said "Lighten up. Love Dad." It also included a copy of an obituary of boy she had played with as a child. He was now a man...but he was dead. They were the same age.

She actually felt guilty for not talking to her father for so many months. That's why she is writing this now. She can't seem to kick the guilt.

So she called him. They began to talk again. She didn't ask him to see her daughter but she asked him to make a doll crib for her daughter for Christmas. He is magic with carpentry. And she thought it might be neat to be able to tell her daughter when she grew up that her grandfather had made the crib for her with his own hands.

Imagine her surprise when she got the pears.

This year, she didn't call him on Father's Day. It was the first time in over a decade. She stopped sending pictures of her daughter to him. Let him explain to his mother when he visits her why he doesn't have any current shots of the child. And it will come up - she knows.

Recently, her own mother said something that hit home. Her mother expressed her surprise that her father didn't want to get to know his grandchild.

Which made the woman snort with laughter. Yes, snort. It was that funny to her. The guy hadn't wanted to get to know his own children...the granddaughter was even further removed from him than his children had been.

So her father can continue to make his somewhat regular, about-every-other-week-check-in phone calls.

And if she feels like talking to him, she'll answer. If not - she won't. But either way, she'll know that's the extent of their relationship.

(Thanks for listening.)

Kryptonite - IV

Her father made a point to meet with her once a week for dinner. Usually on Thursdays. It made her feel really special and it gave them a chance to connect. They always went to the same restaurant and ordered the chicken finger appetizer to share. He always let her have the last one.

She liked that the people that worked at the restaurant knew them and brought their drinks and food without them having to order. She began to feel normal about her relationship with her father. She felt so happy that her father had chosen to have this relationship with her....this Thursday evening dinner.

But then, something happened.

It was right around the time she and her future husband were planning their wedding. (As an aside, she had decided to marry this man because he had children and he was a very big part of their lives. To her, that meant he was a good father - and in her mind, someone couldn't be a good father without being a good man.)

She got an email from her step-sister. It didn't start out nasty but after a few back-and-forths, it somehow got ugly. It was stated that her father was sneaking around to have dinner with her. And that somehow, that was her fault.

She was humiliated. But more than that, she was hurt. It had never occurred to her that her father hadn't told his family about the dinners. Why wouldn't he?

She tried to defend herself and her right to have dinner with her father while at the same time not really understanding why. Her step-sister had more to say - mostly about how pathetic she and her siblings were and why didn't they all just get over it. Her step-sister said that the young woman's father had left her mother, not the kids, and she was sick of hearing about it.

Well - to be fair, he had left the kids too. And the young woman had no idea why her step-sister was sick of hearing about it...it wasn't something the young woman really discussed with anyone she wasn't close to...and she wasn't close to her step-sister.

In the end, the step-sister told the young woman that she and her family would not attend the wedding or any of the festivities. Which made the young woman very sad....she had tried so hard to fit in with the family and she knew this would ruin much of her work.

It all took her quite by surprise. When she talked to her father about it, he said it would have gone better if the step-sisters had gone out to coffee, or lunch perhaps, and discussed things in person. Which made the young woman want to gag. Obviously, there were some issues that a cup of coffee wouldn't help.

He always believed that difficult conversations should be in person - so body language and facial expressions can be read. He also apologized for his step-daughter. In a really vague way.

The young woman told him that unless he could be up front with his family, that she would no longer meet him for dinner. She told him she didn't want to be compared to some kind of illicit affair ever again. Once again, she gave an ultimatum. Hoping beyond hope that she wouldn't have to honor it.

He didn't defend her to his family. He didn't stand up for her. He didn't say she shouldn't be treated in such a way.

He just let it go.

It was what he didn't do that made a bigger impression on the young woman. That was what she was used to....like an old habit. Those are hard to break.

They don't go to dinner any more.

Americana

I've had 4 days off work but it wasn't until today that I felt like I was on vacation.

I took the little one down to watch her oldest sister march in a 4th of July parade. She's never seen a parade so I made a pretty big deal of it before we got there.

And it did not disappoint. It was in one of those small towns that still have a main street....and the main street really is the center of the town.

When we got there the streets were lined with American flags and people were already lining the main drag. Everyone was dressed in red, white, & blue and there was a feeling in the air that I just don't experience in the city these days.

The weather was perfect - warm and sunny but not too hot.

People were friendly and more than willing to share their space. Strangers doted on my daughter - the older kids running into the street to grab candy and treats for her.

In the city, I find myself making sure she doesn't intrude on anyone's space or bother people. It is rare when we go on a walk that someone answers her "hi!". More than several times I've had to explain to her that the people just didn't hear her. I never know how to answer her 'why?'.

But not so in this small town. Every time she said 'hi'....someone answered her, more often than not they would engage her in conversation.

The parade itself was fun to watch too....the floats ranged from various small town courts - queens and princesses doing that funny wave - to demolition derby cars to the Shriners in their tiny little cars.

It was fantastic to see through her eyes.

It also reminded me that there's still a place out there where the pace is just right. Granted - we were at a parade and it is a holiday...but somehow, I think those folks will be the same people tomorrow. I actually got tears in my eyes when the veterans marched by...and that, my friends, was a huge surprise.

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday!

Kryptonite - III

As she got to know her father, she learned a lot.

She learned that he never gave advice without saying, "Well....I'm not sure I know the answer but I can sure tell you how not to go about it."

She learned that he had deep remorse for the way he had handled his relationships with his first three children.

She learned that there was a sadness in him that she believed would never be gone.

She learned that he believed she could break the cycle.

She learned that he admired her.

She learned that he was very funny but he covered his mouth when he laughed. It was ok because she could see it in his eyes.

She learned that she had a gentle side.

She learned that their best conversations took place in his workshop in the garage.

She learned that he was afraid of failing. But that he already believed he had failed his first children.

She learned that when he felt like he couldn't do enough, he didn't do anything. But he felt bad about it. Really bad.

She learned that he and his wife argued a lot and were ugly to each other sometimes.

She learned that their son was a lot like his mother.

She learned the best way to have tomatoes on a sandwich was to cut the slices into bite-sized pieces.

She learned that he never said anything bad about her mother. Even though she understood he didn't have many good things to say. He still tried.

She learned that he really wanted to reach out to her brother and sister but didn't know how. So he just didn't.

She learned that no matter how hard she tried to arrange it, their relationships had to be their own.

She learned that while he was a good musician and guitar player, he didn't think so and didn't like to play in front of an audience.

She learned that he never really felt like he fit in with his stepchildren.

She learned that his wife was threatened by the father-daughter relationship that was growing.

She learned that his wife had always hoped that she could be the kind of stepmother who took her stepdaughter shopping.

She learned that her father and his wife weren't really happy.

She learned that her father wasn't very strong and wouldn't ever stand up for her. Especially if he had to stand up to his wife.

She learned that her father had made his choice when he married his wife.

She learned that she wasn't ready to give up on him yet.

Kryptonite - II

The young woman and her boyfriend had driven all night to get there. They were on their way to Vermont where the young man had a job starting soon and the young woman knew she could wait tables. They had everything they owned in the back of her pick up truck. They stopped in Minneapolis to spend a week with her father.

It would be the first time she had spent any time with her father in 11 years. Since she had given an ultimatum in anger when she was twelve-years-old, she had seen him briefly at her high school graduation and once while he was in treatment.

They had arrived earlier than planned because she had insisted they drive straight through without stopping. Her father and his wife were still at work so the two young people sat in the back yard of her father's home.

Waiting.

She looked around and thought it was exactly as she had imagined it all these years. Well, perhaps worse - for being better. The deck was big and the yard was beautifully landscaped with flower beds scattered about and a huge garden behind the garage. Large trees provided just the right amount of shade, which was nice since it was July.

She tried really hard not to envision family barbecues and birthday parties being enjoyed in this yard. Because she knew it would only hurt. She couldn't help it.

Her boyfriend was mostly silent, every now and then giving her hand a reassuring squeeze. She knew they could still leave; that she didn't have to do this. She voiced her thoughts. She didn't think she could go through with it. She felt raw inside. He told her she had to do it for her own heart. He said he'd leave with her with only a moment's notice but he thought she'd feel better if she at least saw her father.

A car pulled into the driveway and her heart pounded so loud she thought everyone would hear it.

It was her stepmother.

The woman who had taken her father and used him for her own family. The woman who had helped her put water and food coloring in her father's booze bottles so many years ago. The woman who had written a letter years ago to a twelve-year-old girl and in the letter it said the little girl had dollar signs for eyes. The woman who had taken her shopping for wedding shoes and then gotten married to her father without her.

The young woman tried to be brave. Her stepmother seemed friendly enough.

They all went inside to wait. The young woman decided to take a shower. When she was drying off, she heard her father's voice.

The voice she knew so well but had heard so very little over the years. The voice she yearned to hear so many times she lost count. It was a soft voice. The words were always well thought out and considered. Sometimes, he paused during a sentence for long enough to finish a cigarette. But his voice was always gentle. To her anyway. And that's what she remembered...on purpose.

She took her time drying off and getting dressed. She was crying. It was hard to get her makeup on but she managed. She pulled herself together, made sure the bathroom was tidy as she found it and slowly opened the bathroom door.

Her father was standing right outside the door waiting for her. He smiled a smile she had burned into her brain - a shy, beautiful smile. His eyes were questioning and unsure.

Then he began to cry silent tears as he opened his arms to her. And that was all she had ever really wanted.

Kryptonite - I

I remember....

....wondering why only mom came to school events

....not understanding why I could hear my dad yelling even though the bedroom door was closed

....not knowing who to call the night I woke up to my dad's loud voice and my mom's crying - she told me to call his mother and each time I picked up the phone he would shout at me to put it down

....not understanding why my dad was holding my mom down on the couch that night

....feeling really scared when I did call his mom - but she came over and everyone got quiet

....crying the tears of a 7-year-old onto his lap when he and mom told me they were getting a divorce

....going bowling on my 8th birthday with him - it was my first birthday with divorced parents

....picking out a pair of earrings with him on that birthday - I had just gotten my ears pierced

....saving the bowling scorecard for a long time

....visiting him on weekends in his tiny, one bedroom house just next to the railroad tracks

....missing my brother and sister when they visited him and liking, most of all, the 4th weekend in the month because we all went together then

....hoping that when we were in the plane crash and he came to our house to take care of my mom - they would stay together

....when we moved to Texas and he stayed in Oklahoma

....telling my 4th-grade teacher that my dad was on a business trip whenever we talked about parents

....having to talk my dad into having us come visit him

....hearing my mom call him right before we left for the airport and tell him he better be there to pick us up

....wondering the whole trip if he'd be there

....so many times he passed out during dinner

....those nights I would get the kids to bed and rearrange the furniture

....begging him not to drink

....hiding his drinking from my mom so she would let us visit him

....switching his liquor with water and food coloring when he passed out

....arguing with him about his drinking and missing him

....driving him to the liquor store because he was so angry when I told him no

....later that night screaming at him that I was leaving and I'd never see him again until he stopped drinking. I was 12.

....going to Jr. High, and then High School and not seeing him but wishing he wanted me in his life the whole time

....wishing he wouldn't drink and that I'd never given that ultimatum

....hearing that he'd gotten married and had a new son

....feeling pain that we hadn't been included

....knowing that he had two step-children

....feeling envious of those children

....hearing that he'd gone for treatment

....desperately wanting him to want us once he got sober

....inviting him to the State Track Meet my senior year

...him not coming

....inviting him to my High School Graduation - he did come

....going to college and drinking too much

....worrying about that

....working, loving, living, growing - no part of him in my life

....planning many trips to visit him but canceling each one

....making the trip to see him when I was 23

....deciding it was time for me to get to know my father

....thinking I was strong enough to face his new life

....staying in Minnesota

Sometimes growth hurts...

For most of my adult life, I have tried to make sure that I'm involved in healthy relationships.

As we all know, that's not always possible. And as this blog shows - I haven't always been successful at doing it.

What I have learned to do, though, is leave an unhealthy relationship. I don't mean at the first sign of unpleasantness I hit the door running.

I mean once I've used all the tools I have, tried to find new ones to use, and done everything I know how to do - I go.

Having said that - there's one relationship (I hesitate to even give it that label) that I cannot figure out how to leave. Compared to 5 years ago - I'm gone...but there's just a little more work I need to do.

I am going to write about it. As my brother says, "Don't rent that asshole any of your headspace." I know I'll never completely be free of it - but I'd sure like to feel no guilt when I don't take a call or return one. That's the hurdle I can't seem to jump.

It's my father. He's my kryptonite when it comes to healthy relationships. He doesn't stop me from having them - he's just not one. And that's not ok anymore.

I suppose I'm kind of warning you in a way - it won't be pretty. I'm going to attempt to purge the toxins and they go back a long way. I think it will be better to get rid of them as opposed to the neat and tidy compartmentalizing I've gotten so good at related to him.

I don't feel sorry for myself for anything I'm going to write. I am who I am because of what I've lived. I like who I am - so it's all a wash. And it isn't about having divorced parents. It's about me coming to terms with who my father really is.

Ironically - it's The Idiot who got me thinking about this again. And, not so ironically, Rick's post about his Brown-Eyed Girl.

I'll title them 'Kryptonite' - so you can skip 'em if you're not in the mood.